


Before the Sun Sets on the River Thames

by Bat_and_Breakfast



Series: Sunsets [1]
Category: Holby City
Genre: Alternative Universe - Movie Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Movie AU, Movie: Before Sunset (2004), They talk a lot, but: nobody is dying in this one!!, instead they talk, meeting again after thirty years, so I'll tag accordingly, somebody told me this might be, while taking a walk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-03-17 06:21:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18959620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bat_and_Breakfast/pseuds/Bat_and_Breakfast
Summary: When Bernie and Serena met on a Eurail train, the connection between them was immediate and profound. Unfortunately their time together ended only fourteen hours later on a Viennese train platform. About thirty years have passed since that morning.On the last stop of her tour to lecture on the newest developments in trauma surgery, Berenice Wolfe, now a renowned surgeon, finds Serena standing at the side of the hospital’s auditorium. Given an unexpected chance to reconnect, the two women take a stroll through London, talking about their lives and experiences, before Bernie is supposed to catch her flight to start working in South East Asia.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a Berena/Before Sunset au story. If you’re not familiar with “Before Sunset”, it is film staring Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawks taking a walk around Paris after they fell in love one night in Vienna (that would be “Before Sunrise”), but haven’t seen or spoken to each other for nine years since then.
> 
> Only Bernie and Serena aren’t in their thirties anymore, therefore they haven’t seen each other even longer. So this is basically a story where Bernie and Serena fell in love with each other once upon a time and now that they've met again, they take a walk through London and talk. While the movie takes place in Paris, this story takes place in London, because I've only been to Paris once and I'm much more at ease with London. (I’ve taken some liberties with London’s geography though, no offence meant!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally this has been betaed by a native speaker and I can't really find the word to say how happy I am about this!!
> 
> Thanks a lot @fortyredvines for helping me shaping this up! It really means a lot.
> 
> Please chalk any mistakes I might have made regarding canon events up to this being au. As far as I’m concerned canon is highly overrated.
> 
> I know almost nothing about medicine, so I kept it at an absolute minimum. I really hope that I didn’t made them sound like idiots. If I did, shame on me - they both are highly competent in their work!

Berenice Wolfe, former army surgeon turned private medical consultant for now, doesn’t really notice the comings and goings during her lecture. It’s a hospital, so it’s quite normal for people to be paged and leave or to be held up in theatre and therefore slip into the auditorium later than planned. She’s focused on getting her point across, feels like she’s definitely pulling this off fine, her anxiousness from before gone and forgotten. This is it, this is her accomplishment, her work of what felt like countless years in the field, of being one of the world’s most acknowledged trauma surgeons. The last slide done, the light goes back on and after a quick thanks by Henrik Hanssen, the hospital's CEO, people start to ask questions. Nothing too obscure and for the first time during the last weeks, there’s no mansplainer hogging valuable time by lecturing her on her own field of expertise.

 

Bernie feels like she could do this for as long as they want her to when she hears a question being asked from the side of the auditorium.  Her eyes go wide as she sees the questioner - a grey haired woman her own age, leaning against the wall and looking at her with a shy smile on her face and a sparkle in her eyes.

"I’m sorry… what was the part in the middle?” Bernie asks, momentarily confused, because she recognises the woman, recognises her voice and she’s twenty again and in Vienna.

"I wondered how, a ward like AMU could keep up to date with the rapid advancements in trauma care that have been developed, sadly, on the battlefield?” The woman patiently repeats her question, the smile on her lips growing a bit, because she’s obviously noticed the effect she has on Bernie.

"Well, I’m sorry to say that I don’t know your ward well enough to make any specific recommendations right now, but I can say what I always say: A dedicated trauma unit with a well-trained team on an already up and running ward is always appreciated to push the UK’s major trauma capabilities forward. It lessens the need for patients to be transferred so there is more that can be done for the patient during the golden hour.”

 

Henrik Hanssen takes a look at his watch and rises from his seat. "And with this last answer, we again thank Major Wolfe for her visit to UCH and her excellent lecture. Major Wolfe, unfortunately, has a plane to catch, but we are looking forward to welcoming her again someday.” There is a lot of clapping, people start to mill around and Bernie should probably gather her things, because Hanssen is right - she has got a plane to catch. Nevertheless she finds herself rooted to the spot, still staring at the woman. Thinks she is suddenly suffering from diplopia looking at her, the image of a twenty year old girl blurred with the actual woman in front of her. Vienna seems like a lifetime ago and still feels like only yesterday, the happiness and wonder and heartache of that single night easily identifiable even after all this time.

"Major Wolfe?” Hanssen stands by her side, his voice finally breaking through to her. She whips around to face him, wonders for a second if the other woman will vanish into thin air the moment she breaks eye contact, her heart contracting almost painfully at that thought. "Your driver is going to take you to the airport. There’s plenty of time to catch your plane, so you don’t need to worry.”

"Great,” Bernie hears herself say, while shoving her things into her satchel, even though the thought of getting in a car that takes her to the airport feels like torment right now.

She catches sight of the woman, of Serena, Serena-let-us-not-exchange-last-names-or-numbers, let us meet in Vienna again six months later instead, let us try to make a grand romantic gesture towards each other, because we are so absolutely young and dumb. She is still standing there, obviously waiting for her. "In fact, Mr. Hanssen, if there’s still time left, I think I’d like to go for a quick walk, grab a coffee, something like that, before I’m confined to a plane for almost half a day. How much longer before I have to go to the airport?”

"I think you should leave at five thirty. Five thirty at the latest.” Hanssen answers her and gives her a kind of quizzical look, has obviously noticed Serena, who must be a colleague of his, waiting nearby. "Take the driver’s card, Major Wolfe. This way you can call him to pick you up. We will put your luggage in the car so you will not be late going to the airport.” He hands her a business card and lays a hand on her carry-all.

"Thanks again. You’ve been very accommodating” Bernie says, pocketing the card. She leaves her suitcase with Hanssen after a quick handshake, grabs her coat and satchel and almost trips over her own feet in her haste to get out of the auditorium, because Serena is on her way out of there, too. She manages to avoid falling flat on her face and hurries after the other woman, out of the auditorium, out of the building.

 

Serena finally stops and turns to face her, a smile lighting up her face that makes Bernie stop dead in her tracks. "Hi…” she manages to say, eloquent as ever in social situations.

"Hello” Serena answers. She suddenly seems a bit shy; looks at Bernie, at the building behind her, at her own feet and then finally at Bernie once more, holding her gaze again.

"How are you?” Bernie asks. She still doesn’t know how to handle this situation, how to process her feelings of finally standing in front of the girl again, the girl she still remembers vividly but who is a woman now. Very much a woman in fact, because more than thirty years have gone by. "I’m good, and you?” comes the answer and even though it’s just a handful of words, Bernie remembers revelling in that voice the whole Viennese night long, letting it soothe her, elevate her, arouse her.

"I’m good, yeah, I’m great, I’m…” she manages to say, before she finally blurts out, "Do you want to get coffee?”

"Didn’t Hanssen just say that you have a plane to catch?” Serena asks.

"Uh, yeah… but, I mean, I’ve got a little time left,” Bernie replies almost timidly, afraid that this ends right here and now, because obviously Serena will have got something better to do with her time.

"Ok, let’s get coffee then.” Serena smiles at her. "I’ll have to go grab my coat first, though. Will you wait for me?”  Bernie looks at her and thinks that she will probably wait for her hours if necessary, practically already waited thirty years, but manages to just nod reassuringly instead of making a fool out of herself.

 

Serena goes back into the building and Bernie just stands there, lets the turn of events catch up with her and fumbles a pack of cigarettes out of her coat pocket. She shakes the last one out of the pack and puts it between her lips. Puts the pack back into her pocket and then takes the cigarette out of her mouth, holds it warily between her fingers. Remembers shared cigarettes in Vienna, shared wine, shared hours walking along the River Wien. Remembers buying a poem, touching arms, holding hands, finally kissing, kissing, kissing and… Remembers saying their goodbyes at the train station. Remembers feeling bereft the moment the train pulled out of the station, taking Serena away from her.

For a fleeting moment she thinks about running, because the whole situation feels so overwhelming, so loaded with things unsaid, with feelings unprocessed that she does not know what to do. But she holds on to the thought of Serena’s smile just a few minutes ago and how hurt she would probably be, if Bernie vanished even though she asked her to wait. At least now Serena would know her name and how to find her, Bernie muses..

"Still smoking?” Serena’s voice comes from her side, and the abruptness of being pulled out of her own head almost makes her jump.

"You need to wear louder shoes!” she exclaims, while willing her heart to slow down again, gets a laugh as an answer to that. "Also, no - I don’t smoke anymore.” Serena shoots a pointed look at the cigarette Bernie is still holding. "I quit a few years ago. Tossed all the cigarettes I had, except this one. Decided to keep it as a symbol.”

"Well, it’s certainly healthier as a symbol.” Serena quips, but turns serious then and looks at Bernie appraisingly. "It is good to see you.”

"It is… good to see you, too.” Bernie answers, suddenly feeling quite a lump in her throat.

"So you want to get coffee?”

"Um, yeah… that would be great.”

"Then follow me. There’s a coffeeshop a little further that I quite like.” Serena turns and starts walking, Bernie puts the cigarette away again and trails along beside her, wonders what on earth is happening to her right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are reading this, you've probably also finished reading the first chapter. You know, I've got to say that I've been quite anxious about posting this. It is, after all, my first Berena story and I've read such a huge amount of very good fic for this fandom during the last months that I became a bit self-concious. So if you liked this: Positive words and kudos are highly appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lets get back to Bernie and Serena on their way to the coffee shop and catching up with each other after all this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back and thanks for all your kudos and comments - every single one gave me joy!
> 
> I struggled a bit with the where-to-best-end-a-chapter, so I placed them roughly in tune with the bigger change of scenes in the movie. Hope this will work out - the only other somewhat practical idea I had, was to dump the whole 13k in one chapter... and I won't do that.

The streets are smaller in this part of the city, smaller shops, the unstoppable wave of tourists thinning out a bit, or so at least it seems to be to Bernie. She hasn’t walked through London for quite some time. She falls in step with Serena who strolls purposely, but not too fast, along the way.

"I thought I was going to freeze in front of everyone attending,” Bernie confesses with a sideways glance. "When I first saw you… I mean, how did you even know I was going to hold that lecture? Did you even know that it was me? Or is this all an unbelievably big coincidence?”

"Well, it’s my place of work. I’m clinical lead of the AMU, so of course I knew about the upcoming lecture. Although I didn’t realise it would be you until I saw a picture of you in our newsletter about a month ago. Never ever thought that Major Berenice Wolfe, former army medic, renowned trauma surgeon, whose work I highly appreciate, would turn out to be Bernie, the girl I met on a train to Paris over thirty years ago.”

"Must have been quite a shock, although I wonder why you would even remember me.” Bernie says with a self-conscious laugh.

Serena stops so abruptly, Bernie almost topples her over. "Before we go on, I have a… I have to ask you something.”

"Sure, what is it?” Serena’s grave expression makes her feel a bit worried.

"Did you show up in Vienna that December?” Serena asks, unease etched into her features, her hand absentmindedly rubbing the pendant she wears on a necklace.

"Uh, did you?” Bernie tries to reflect. Successfully, apparently, because Serena answers her question instead of waiting for her to answer.

"No. I couldn’t, but… did you? I need to know, it’s important to me!”

"Why is this important to you when you weren’t even there?” 

"Well, were you? Did you show up, Bernie?”

"No.” Bernie looks down at the street, at her feet, at the cracks in the sidewalk, everywhere but at Serena.

"Oh, thank goodness you didn’t!” The relief blatantly obvious in Serena’s voice feels like it is cutting right through Bernie, who winces as they start to walk again.

"Yeah, thanks…” she mumbles.

"I mean,” Serena wants to make clear, "Thank goodness you didn’t and I didn’t. I mean, imagine one of us had shown up alone…”

"Yes, that would have been a bit awkward.” Bernie isn’t really able to keep the gravel out of her voice, still looks at her feet.

"I know, I know. I was so concerned with that!” Serena is so agitated that she raises her voice at Bernie. "I always felt horrible about not having been there, but I couldn’t. You know, my mother fell very ill a few days before, and she almost died.”

"Your mum? She had just moved to Paris when we met, hadn’t she? What happened?”

"Life happened. It was... complicated. She got better that time, though she is long gone now… but this isn’t a story for now. It’s been such a long time, but you do remember that I was going to stay with my mother in Paris.”

"Of course. I remember. I remember everything,” Bernie says before she can stop herself.

"Well, I’d already booked a ticket to Vienna, you know and then… I just couldn’t go anymore.” Serena looks forlorn even after all this time.

"I’m sorry to hear that. I’m sorry for your loss, Serena.”

"I know.” Serena smiles at her, although the smile quickly drains from her lips. 

"You weren’t there anyway…” Bernie swallows as she hears disbelief creep into Serena’s voice. "Why, Bernie?” she finally asks, "Why weren’t you there? I would have been there, if I could have. I made plans, and we… You better have a good reason!” Serena looks at Bernie with a scowl, notices her obvious discomfort, how she avoids looking at her. "Oh, no!” Shock appears in her voice and makes Bernie look up, makes her want to calm her down, makes her want to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, Serena had definitely more pressing things on her mind during that time. "You were there, weren’t you, Bernie?” Bernie shrugs and gives her a wry smile. Serena starts to chuckle unexpectedly, blushing quite red with obvious embarrassment. "That’s terrible. I know I’m laughing, but I don’t mean to. Did you hate me? You must stop hating me, please, Bernie.” She grabs Bernie’s lower arm with both her hands. "Have you been hating me for long? You surely must have!”

"No, no…” Bernie tries to protest while her mind is kind of hung up on Serena touching her, her fingers sending virtual sparks through Bernie’s coat and shirt, along her whole body.

"You probably have… but, you can’t anymore. Because now you know, I mean…”

"I don’t hate you, Serena! Never have, never will,” Bernie exclaims quite forcefully.

"Come on, it’s no big deal. I flew to Vienna. You didn’t show up and my love life has been a big nose dive since then, but it’s not a big problem.” Serena stares at her, not quite sure if she’s joking or not.

"You can’t say that!” she protests.

"No, you’re right. I’m just kidding, really Serena. Just kidding.” Bernie thinks of herself as probably the least tactile person on earth, but nevertheless puts her hand on Serena’s shoulder to reassure her. In response Serena, who is definitely not the least tactile person around, drops her head onto Bernie’s hand in defeat.

"Oh, I can’t believe this. You must have been so angry at me. I’m so sorry. I really wanted to be there. Really wanted to see you again… more than anything in the world.”

Attempting to walk with Serena literally trapping her arm proves to be a bit too much of a challenge and Bernie stops again, faces Serena and does her best not to dwell on the feelings her touch stirs up inside her. "Serena… I honestly thought that something like that might have happened. Something big, something that was out of your control. I was definitely sad, but… mostly I was just mad that we didn’t exchange numbers or any other information. I didn’t even know your last name.”

Serena groans. “Campbell, well, McKinnie back then. I know. That was just stupid. I had no way to get in touch, no way to let you know what was going on at my end. I know it was what we decided. We didn’t want it to fade out, didn’t want to let it slowly die between long distance phone calls and the occasional letter, but still...”

"Yeah, well, it sure isn’t a slow fade… wasn’t a slow fade, I mean, it isn’t dead… at least the feelings didn’t slowly die.” Bernie has the distinct feeling that she is currently digging herself into a hole, but she can’t seem to stop herself.

Serena lifts her head and gazes intensely at Bernie. "We wanted to pick up where we left off.”

"Would have been fine if it had worked.” Serena breaks their eye contact. Bernie lets her hand slide away and they start to walk again.

"How long were you in Vienna then?”

"Oh, just a couple of days.” Bernie answers, tries to keep her voice light.

Serena glances at her. "Did you meet another girl?”

"Ah, yes. Yes, I did.” Bernie musters up her best guileless expression. Notices Serena’s left eyebrow rise at her answer. "Her name was Gretchen. Went kind of well with my own middle name. We fell madly in love and moved in together after a week. Not in Vienna, though. Got six ferrets and talked about adopting kids. Unfortunately it didn’t hold up. She left me after another two weeks. Took the ferrets. Told you that my love life has been a mess, didn’t I?”

"Nice try, soldier.” Serena looks at Bernie with a sarcastic smile on her lips, eyebrow still raised. Bernie can’t help herself, can’t hold it in anymore and erupts into loud laughter. Hearing her like this makes Serena smile even wider and Bernie tries not to dwell on the feeling that she would probably do a lot of things to make the other woman smile at her.

"Ok, I’m kidding,” she confesses. "I spent the days mostly at the train station. Put up signs with my phone number, just in case you were held up. Even went to the hotel and left a note for you.”

Now Serena’s expression is once more guarded. "I’m so sorry.”

"It’s been a long time, Serena.”

"I know, I know… tell me about it.” Serena lets out a sigh. "I always wondered if you forgot about me.” They stop once more and face each other.

"No. No, I always had and still have a very clear picture of you in my mind.” Bernie confesses, takes her courage in both hands, looks straight into Serena’s dark eyes. "I just… I… I want…” 

"What, Bernie?”

"I wanted to talk to you for so long, you know, that now… now…”

"Me too.” There are lines crinkling around Serena’s eyes when she smiles. There are a lot more lines now than there were in Vienna. They are both women in their fifties now, not girls in their twenties. Serena’s hair has almost completely turned grey. Bernie has the urgent need to touch it, to let her fingers glide through it. She notices that she has been staring at the other woman without saying a word for some time, completely lost in her thoughts and feelings. Serena’s gaze seems to be affectionate, but that might just be a trick Bernie’s mind is playing her.

"It’s so surreal, you know.” Bernie starts to speak again. "I feel like everything out of my mouth should be… like, worth it…” 

Serena gives a small laugh at this. "I know. How long do we actually have? Forty two minutes? Fourteen minutes? One second? We should get going!” She grabs Bernie’s wrist and drags her along.

"No, we’ve got longer than that. There’s a driver I can call who will pick me up anywhere I want  and whizz me right to the airport,” Bernie exclaims while trying not to stumble. "I want to know about you, Serena. Tell me about you. What are you up to, how are you doing?”

Serena slows down a bit. "Well, as I said, I’m clinical lead of AMU at UCH. Up to my neck in RTCs and broken bones the whole day long. Could really do with that trauma unit you mentioned. It’s a mess most days, but I love practicing medicine. Really, really love it and I love teaching, too. Vascular surgeon, by the way. Not just a pencil pusher, even though I’m also acting as deputy CEO right now and I have to deal with the board more often than I really want to.”

"Funny, you being a surgeon, too.” Bernie shakes her head in slight disbelief.

"It is, isn’t it?” Serena musses. "Me becoming a surgeon. You joining the army. Maybe we would already have met at a conference, if it wasn’t for you being abroad most of the time. Although, joining the army might have been a family thing? Wasn’t your father in the army?”

"Yes, he was. It’s probably the reason why this was the first thing that came to my mind after I decided… I mean, I grew up as an army brat. So it seemed like a safe decision for me. I always felt like I already knew most of the rules, which made it easier for me to fit in and made me able to concentrate fully on the job at hand.”

"You hadn’t decided then, had you? In Vienna, I mean.” Serena asks.

"No… I hadn’t. I went back to my parents. Spend a few months in limbo, kind of. Travelled a bit while doing odd jobs. Couldn’t really decide on what to do, until…” Bernie stops talking, knows where this will take her, doesn’t know how to cushion things.

"Until we were meant to meet again.” Serena says in a low voice.

"Um, yeah,” is all she can answer to that.

"So… I wasn’t there and you decided to join the army? That’s a bit of a cliché, isn’t it?” It’s an attempt to lighten the mood and Bernie just goes with it, glad for the moment not to linger on what could have been if only Serena had been there.

"At least your work must have felt quite significant?” Serena asks, "I have to admit that I tend to get a little bit disillusioned about my job by the time I got the fourth reckless drunk of the week in theatre and the next stack of overly bureaucratic paperwork wrapped in beautiful red NHS tape on my desk.”

Bernie snorts. "It did, but also didn’t at times. Being a woman in the armed forces often felt kind of off-kilter, especially during the beginning. I always felt like I had to prove myself to be at least twice as good as any of my male comrades. It wasn’t so bad during the last years in the field though, because it seemed like I had finally earned everyone’s respect, regardless of my gender. I had learned to stand my ground, too, so I was able to deal rather swiftly with the few people who didn’t know about me and tried to take me down a notch. It was pretty much smooth sailing from then on.”

"Well, being a woman and becoming a surgeon wasn’t that easy even outside the army. I still remember the jibes and the pressure.”

Bernie nods at her. “I didn’t want to imply that you wouldn’t have encountered your dose of good old boys club feeling outside the army. I’m sorry, if I sounded like that.”

"No, no… no need to be sorry! I didn’t take it that way.” Serena reassures her. "At least it is better nowadays, I think. Not that there isn’t more room for improvement, but still… it is better. Makes me happy for all the young women who decide to go into medicine.”

"Small changes accumulate, hmm?” Bernie answers to that.

"Small changes accumulate,” Serena agrees. They smile at each other and then Serena nods at a coffee shop in front of them. "Here we are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading. Comments and kudos are highly appreciated and reassuring.
> 
> If you‘ve never seen the film(s) this story is based on: The first movie, Before Sunrise, ends with them saying goodbye to each other without exchanging last names or phone numbers, instead promising each other to meet again on the same platform, exactly six months later. Well, we now all know how that ended...


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finally taking their chance to talk about the failed meeting in Vienna, Serena and Bernie arrive at the coffee shop. "Before Sunset" is a very, very chatty movie, so of course this story is a talkative one, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again @fortytworedvines for shaping this up!
> 
>  

They cut across the street and enter the shop. It’s cozy inside, rough brick walls, dark wooden floor, warm light and plenty of plants, well worn mismatched chairs and tables strategically strewn around the floor. Not too many customers around, which enhances the laid back atmosphere. The young woman working the counter greets them with a smile and Bernie smiles back at her, happy to be there, before she has a look at the menu on the wall behind the barista and involuntarily sighs.

"Do you remember when coffee was just… coffee?” Bernie wonders while she eyes the long list of available hot beverages warily.

"Hot and strong is all I care about! Coffee is on me, by the way,” Serena says with a low chuckle and Bernie is glad that Serena has her back turned towards her, because Bernie suddenly has some thoughts about hot and strong that aren’t exactly suited to a coffee shop. Her eyes fall to Serena’s neck and her right hand is on its way to brush lightly against those short strands of hair when she becomes aware of what she is about to do and crams both her hands into her coat pockets. Oh, to be able to grab onto those shoulders, to pull the other woman flush against her own body and to place her mouth on her neck.

Bernie swallows and rasps, "I will just take the same as you do,” before she flees towards a small table in a corner by the back of the shop.

A few minutes later Serena comes up to the table, balancing two cappuccinos and a plate with a chocolate croissant. "Double shot cappuccinos, hope you’re not into soy milk or no milk at all. I can get you something different, if you want?”

"No, this is perfectly fine. I like that, thanks!” Bernie reassures her, smiles at Serena, who places their coffees and the pastry between them and sits down.

"I got the last one! Thought we could share,” Serena says with a hesitant nod at the pastry. 

"Thanks, I’d love to.” They both grab at the croissant at the same time, instigating a slight tug of war, before Bernie lets go, surrendering the sweet treat to Serena. They both laugh and then Serena carefully pulls the pastry into two parts and offers one of them to Bernie with a twinkle in her eyes. Bernie takes her half, their fingers brush and for a second they are gazing into each others eyes while time freezes around them. Bernie promptly drops her pastry, breaks their gaze and stares at the croissant instead.

"I won’t give you mine, if you drop yours on the floor.” Serena deadpans with a raised eyebrow and takes a hearty bite out of her half just to further mark her case. Bernie feels flustered and too hot, grabs at her coffee like a lifeline and occupies herself with drinking the still very hot beverage. Tries to appreciate the lovely latte art the barista managed to accomplish and not to dwell on Serena’s slightly chocolate smeared lips at all.

Serena gives Bernie a content smile and sighs while finishing her half of the pastry. "This is perfect.”

"Perfect, hmm? Coffee makes your day perfect? Then you’re quite easy to please.”

Serena chuckles at that. "I think you might be misjudging the circumstances, Bernie.” Her smile widens. “Don’t forget that there’s more to this than just a hot beverage, because there’s also something… delectable included.” And with this, Serena winks at Bernie, who promptly feels her cheeks growing hot once again. What she wouldn’t give for one of those awful desert sunburns right now, just to rid any evidence of blushing from her fair complexion.

"How long have you been in London?” Serena brings their conversation back to firmer ground.

"I got in last night. I’ve done fourteen cities in three weeks. I’m glad it’s over. I’m tired, you know? I can’t seem to recharge as fast as I could. I could have shrugged off a schedule like that when I was younger, but I would have been even more racked with insecurities for speaking in front of large groups then as I am nowadays. So now I know how to handle a crowd, but obviously I’m not improving energy wise. Seems like I can’t win, but that’s always been one of my problems.” Bernie willingly overacts the sad face she makes.

"One of your problems, huh? What are your other problems?” Serena asks with a spark in her eyes.

Bernie smiles at her and leans back in her chair. "You know what? Right now? I don’t have any. I’m just happy to be here.”

"Me too.” Serena answers and with that they both smile at each other.

"So… what’s next for you?” Serena asks. "Where will that plane take you to?”

"Oh…” Bernie doesn’t even want to think about her flight anymore, even less talk about her destination. "Singapore. I’m booked on a flight to Singapore. Today’s lecture was my last one in Europe. I’m scheduled to interview with Médecins Sans Frontières. They’re looking for someone to train trauma surgeons in South East Asia, to bring them up to par before placement, so that they are all up to standard and know what might await them.”

"That sounds like quite the commitment,” Serena says, her face carefully neutral.

"Uh… yes. If I want the job, I’ll probably have to commit to it for at least two years on the first contract, and then one year contracts after that as long as the project is going on, if I want to stay.”

"That kind of field work is probably the next best thing to being in the army, isn’t it?”

"Probably, yes. I know that I could always try to apply for locum work around Europe, could probably even find half a dozen jobs with a permanent contract around the UK in no time at all, but… I’m just not used to that kind of work and I don’t feel like there  _ is _ a good reason to get used to it right now.” Serena just nods at that. "We both know what they say about old dogs and new tricks, hmm.” Bernie tries to joke, only to have Serena look at her in mock exasperation, her hand swatting at Bernie’s across the table.

"Who are you calling old? If I remember correctly, we’re the same age!”

Bernie laughs and lifts her hands in surrender. "You’re right, I don’t know what I’m saying. I repent of everything I’ve said about old age and dogs and…”

Serena places her elbows on the table and her chin in her hands, her eyes twinkle at Bernie and a smile tugs at her lips. "I’m feeling a bit coy for asking, us being old as you just pointed out in that charming way of yours - do you really think we are all that different?”

Bernie snorts into her coffee and takes her time to look at Serena appraisingly. She smiles when she notices Serena getting a bit flustered under her steady gaze even though she brought it on herself. "Your hair was different back then.”

"You mean it wasn’t almost completely grey?” Serena says in mock surprise.

"No, well…, obviously yes, it wasn’t, but it was longer, too. Much longer.”

"Oh…” Serena self-consciously drags her fingers through her hair. "Well, it did seem rather impractical by the time I had… Do you think it would suit me  better, if it was longer?”

"No, no. Absolutely not. It suits you just fine. Seriously, you look beautiful.” Bernie says, promptly starts to blush and has to look away. "So what about me? I haven’t fared that well, right?”

"Don’t try to sell yourself short, Major. You look delightful, you have to know that. Although you’ve clearly had surgery. I can see the scar.” Serena nods towards Bernie’s neckline, lets her gaze rest on the visible part of an angry looking scar.

"One of the scars, at least.” Bernie admits.

"At least for now.” Serena winks at Bernie and gives her a bright smile and Bernie knows that she is being toyed with, but she still can feel the heat return to her cheeks with the thought of letting Serena see all of her scars. "What happened?” Serena asks.

"IED on the roadside in Afghanistan. Didn’t see it until it was too late. Tried to avoid it, but ended up being blown into a poppy field anyway. My spine was crumbling, I had a pseudoaneurysm. They stabilised me as good as they could and flew me to the RNOH, because… well, if the main trauma surgeon gets blown to bits, it puts a bit of a stopper to the treatment on site.”

"I’m glad everything went all right.” Serena says with a caring look.

"Yeah, me too. Although I have to admit that I had a hard time readjusting after the accident. I was so frustrated. I knew I’d lost my commission, wouldn’t be able to do my job for quite some time, even as a civilian. I had to use a cane for every single step I took and rest assured that I didn’t like feeling frail, useless and old at all.”

"I understand where you’re coming from, but I’ve got to admit that I like getting older, at least under normal circumstances. It feels more immediate. You know, like I can appreciate things more,” Serena contemplates.

"Well, I like it, too. Most of the times at least. When I’m not being dependent on a cane.” They chuckle at that, both aware that they aren’t nearly as youthful and fit as they were the last time they met, although they are far from being feeble.

Bernie takes a look at her phone and regards Serena, who looks back at her with a smile. "You know what? Talking about being able to walk without aid - I’m going to be on a plane for such a long time, so… I’d love to see a little bit more of London. As you’ve heard I wasn’t exactly up to taking long walks the last time I was around. Would you be up for a stroll?”

Serena’s smile widens at this proposal. "I’d love to!”

"You don’t mind? I don’t want to take up your time, if there’s anywhere else you should be.”

"Stop fretting, Bernie. I don’t have to be anywhere else. It’s my day off, actually. I can do whatever I want.”

"So, you wanted to go and see my lecture on your day off?” Bernie quips with a raised eyebrow.

"Sure, let’s say, I really wanted to see your lecture.” Serena answers with a wry smile, which makes Bernie laugh at her.

"What would you do today, if it weren’t for my lecture?” she asks, while she stands up and gathers her things.

"I’d probably have a look at the new exhibition at the Wellcome… it's a museum round the corner,” Serena answers hesitantly.

"Alright, let’s go to the museum.” Bernie isn’t really interested in museums at all, wonders what might await her, but she is fine with everything Serena might want to do. The truth of the matter is that she just wants to spend some more time with Serena, doesn’t want to say goodbye yet.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our lovely ladies left the coffee shop and are on their way to the Wellcome Museum for the Incurable Curious*? Maybe, maybe not. Regardless of where they will go: They will talk... and pine a bit, most likely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome back! Sorry in advance for the rather abrupt ending of this one. We are on our way through the second half now. Thanks to all of you for leaving kudos and comments - they are very welcome! :)
> 
>  
> 
>  

"You know,” Serena says the moment she takes the lead outside of the coffee shop, "As lovely as the Wellcome is, it might be a bad idea right now. The new exhibition just opened and will probably be chock full of people. It’s madness and I don’t want to inflict that on you  - us. Let’s go down to the canal instead. Take a walk along there.”

Bernie follows her along the streets, and they walk in comfortable silence until they finally reach a set of steps that lead down to a towpath alongside a wide canal. Trees and shrubbery grow to one side of the path and houseboats are docked all along the water on the other side. People stroll pass them, tourists and joggers and young parents pushing prams, but it’s still far from the usual London hubbub, and Bernie mentally agrees that this is a way better idea than any busy museum could have been.

"So, tell me, how was it… in the army? What do you miss about it?” Serena picks up on their talk about work again.

"Well, I’ve been to Iraq and Afghanistan among other countries. Most of the places it was so damn hot.” Serena chuckles at that.

"All the sand, it gets literally everywhere. Unstoppable, coarse, irritating. Toxic, even. I don’t like sand anymore. I miss the camaraderie though. There wasn’t enough time and energy to dwell on petty fights and politics. I bet there is a lot of unspoken tension running through the hospital, isn’t there?”

Serena rolls her eyes at that and nods in agreement.

"I’m not good at such things. I chafe people the wrong way. They perceive me as clinical - pun intended. They also think I’m too rogue, too impatient, too bullheaded.” Bernie sighs. "However, I’m often guilty as charged, so they’re not fully to blame.”

"Don’t say that. You know that people aren’t always right in their perception of others. Even if they like to think they know you, they almost never know all of you. They call me the ice queen at work, you know,” Serena says with a small smile.

Bernie looks at her in disbelief. "Why would they do that?”

"Well, I'm strict. There are certain rules within the NHS and they aren't there to be broken. I am also known for making students cry from time to time, though I'm not unfair, don't get me wrong. I just think they should work hard, strive to achieve something, let themselves be challenged. That doesn't always put me in their good book. Although I have to admit that I’m also very fond of most of my ward members. They are a kind of family, but don’t you dare quote me on this! I don’t want to lose my grip because people start to think I’m going soft.”

"Families can come in all kinds of shapes, can’t they? I certainly saw my unit as my family. I think for me family mostly depends on how I feel about someone. Blood or marriage can become secondary to that,” Bernie muses.

Serena looks at Bernie with a searching look at the mention of the word marriage. "Speaking of that… how is married life treating you nowadays? It must be easier with you not being in a war zone all the time anymore?”

Bernie is a bit taken aback by the question. "What on earth makes you think that I am married?”

"Your bio in our newsletter said so,” Serena answers with a quizzical look.

Bernie gives a short, sharp laugh at this. "They will have to update that piece of personal information. I got divorced a few months after the accident.”

"Another member of the embittered ex-wife club? I’ve got a long term membership, ten years counting.” Serena tries to mask her relieve with humour.

"No, but I think my husband might have a membership for the embittered ex-husband club. The divorce was my decision and took him by surprise, although I figure that quite a lot of wishful thinking had to be involved from his side to not notice us going that way.”

"How long were you married then?”

"Almost twenty-five years. We met during university. Studied together. We were pals, even best friends. Got married before I started my first run with the RAMC, because he proposed and I thought that would be the way to go in life. Had two kids along the way, Cameron and Charlotte. I think he hoped they would make me want to settle down. Maybe specialise in hip replacement surgery or even become a full time house wife. Who knows. He obviously didn’t know me. Couldn’t have been more wrong, actually. I still went away all the time, only then he had two kids to take care of on his own. He was always pressuring me to come back home to fulfil my family duties as his wife and the mother of our children, but I felt like I couldn’t. I love my children, always loved them, even though I’ve been a lousy mother, and I also cared for his well being, but still I couldn’t stay with them, couldn’t settle down. Might actually have been the only time in my life I didn’t defer to social conventions. Realised why, some time before the IED blew me back to the UK. Of course me coming home wasn’t planned that way. But Marcus was very eager to have me back home, even if by literal accident.”

"But you weren’t eager to be home?” Serena asks, her voice free from anything that might be taken as a reproach.

"No. Never really was and certainly wasn’t at that time. Less than ever before, I have got to admit.” 

"Why was that?”

"I met someone. In the army, in Afghanistan. I didn’t realise, until I was quite emotionally involved. By then we both were and one day we just… gave in. It was like this unexpected sliver of happiness found its way into my life. I felt like everything else took a place in the backseat of my life, like all I could care for beside work was that we were enclosed in our own little bubble of happiness. Nothing else could reach me at that time, no worries, no guilty conscience. I was her superior, good Lord, but I didn’t care. Of course that bubble was popped by the IED. No better moment to be overwhelmed by guilt and regret on how you’ve handled things then when all you can do is lie still on your back on a stretcher and pray to a higher being you don’t believe in, not to be paralysed.”

"Must have been terrifying.”

"The fear of being paralysed? The fear that my husband would by some chance find out that I cheated on him with another woman? Or the fear that I managed to turn fifty years old without coming to terms with the fact that I’m gay? They all kind of hampered my attempt to keep a calm mind, yes, you could say that.” Serena keeps silent, just lets her hand sweep along Bernie’s arm, gives her hand a reassuring squeeze.

"I’m sorry, I don’t want to sound angry and depressed,” Bernie says and squeezes Serena’s hand in return.

Serena makes a kind of snorting noise at that. "Oh, believe me, I can handle depressed. Have to be able to, because sometimes life just… gets to me. Everything seems bleak and hard to be managed and all I can do is work and sit on my couch with a bottle of wine, to hopefully fall asleep eventually.”

"Why?” Bernie asks, trying her best not to sound too overly concerned.

"If it isn’t something or other with hospital politics, it probably is a phone call from my daughter, Elinor. We… aren’t on good terms. Haven’t been for years. We constantly seem to rub each other the wrong way. Lots of shouting, lots of accusations. On both sides. I… I don’t want to paint myself as an innocent bystander. She hated me for the divorce, blamed me for all of it and her father sure didn’t do anything to set things right. Just played into the doting father picture and spoiled her rotten. She stayed with me, because Edward of course couldn’t be bothered with the day to day life of our teenage daughter. So there we were, two people in too big a house, tearing at each other just because we couldn’t come to terms with the fact that we both were hurting. She left for college somewhere along the line, which gave us some space. The divorce was a long time ago, too, so now she just seems to be angry at me for her reason du jour.”

Bernie nods in understanding. "Cameron and Charlotte did act like that during and after the divorce, too. I struggled with myself for some time after the accident, tried to be what Marcus and they wanted me to be, but I just felt… trapped and increasingly like a fraud. I finally came to my senses and gathered all the courage I could muster, told Marcus about the affair and how I couldn't picture us being together anymore. Never saw him so angry before. He just blew up, ordered me to leave right there and then and told the kids about the affair the moment I was gone. They didn’t take it well. Took some time to get back on track with them.”

Serena gives her a serious look. "No wonder if we are both feeling depressed from time to time.”

"Are you feeling depressed right now?” Bernie finds herself asking .

"No, most certainly not!” Serena lets her eyes rest on Bernie. "How could I be at this moment? Although I have to admit that, besides my troubles with Elinor, I sometimes worry that I will get to the end of my days feeling like I haven’t done all I wanted to do.”

"So what do you want to do?” Bernie asks her. She gazes at the canal and doesn’t realise that Serena gives her a searching look, doesn’t notice the longing surface on her face for a few seconds. She’s drawn back to Serena’s face because she hears her sigh.

"I want to spent more time tending to my garden. I want to paint more. Daily, if I could. There are so many things I want to do, but due to work I end up doing not much.”

"Maybe you should try to adjust your priorities?” Bernie offers. "Ask yourself, what about work do you like the best and what the least and maybe you can find a way to lessen the unloved parts of your workload, so you might have more time for things you care for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those out there, who have seen the movie: Bernie is already divorced in this story, because I don't want to go the way the movie goes. For me, the way Jesse's existing partnership was treated has always been the weakest part of the movie. That's just not how it is done, at least not it my opinion.
> 
> * If you are in London and incurable curious, go have a look at the Wellcome. The Medicine Man exhibition is a delight and their reading room is one of my favourite quiet places to be in the city.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the rather abrupt ending of the last chapter, we are back to Bernie and Serena talking and walking along the canal, at least for now. Be aware: Emotions coming right up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again… I hope everybody is having a lovely weekend! As always: Thanks for your kudos and comments - they make me smile. :)

Serena hums at Bernie’s advice. She is obviously lost in her thoughts and Bernie doesn’t want her to dwell on anything sad right now, wants Serena to be relaxed and happy. In her attempt to find something to bring her back out of her head, she spots one of the touristy narrowboats docked right in front of them.

"You know what - let’s get on that!” she smiles at Serena, motioning towards the boat.

Serena snaps back into reality, takes one look at the boat and actually looks offended. "No!”

Bernie takes her hand and pulls her towards the small pier. "Come on, it will be fun!” she laughs at Serena’s expression.

"You don’t have the time! We can’t go on a boat now.”

"It’s just about to set off and I’ve still got… twenty minutes left. I’ll call the driver straight away and he can pick me up at the next stop.”

Serena doesn’t seem to be convinced and still pouts a bit at the boat that is almost ready to set off again. "I’ve never been on one of these boats. They’re for tourists and they’re embarrassing.”

"Oh, shush, nobody will know. Your reputation as a native Londoner will not be tainted,” and with that Bernie sets foot onto the boat, tugging Serena with her. She pays for their tickets and follows Serena through the hull of the boat, onto a small open deck on the other end.

Bernie blinks into the sun and walks up to the railing. She grips the bars and leans forward, her eyes closed, the breeze musing her hair even more, a fact Serena is only too aware of.

"You didn’t push me on board only to jump into the canal to leave me, did you?” she quips with a raised eyebrow at the balancing act Bernie is currently pulling off.

With her eyes still closed, Bernie doesn't notice how Serena almost places a hand on her shoulder, only to let it fall to her side before touching her. She turns back from the railing to find herself standing right in front of her, their bodies almost touching. She can’t fully suppress the hitch of her breath, thinks she is actually able to feel the warmth radiating from Serena. Their eyes meet and Bernie feels a bit like she did indeed fall into the canal, water crashing all over her, making her drown in a kind of pleasant way. How she longs to be brave enough to pull Serena towards her, to feel her body flush against her own, to kiss her once again, but her uncooperative brain starts up again and she feels her courage shrinking back.

"I… should call my driver,” she croaks, unable to take a step back because of the railing.

Serena’s brilliant smile sags at her words. "You probably should, yes,” she says, a tinge of resignation colouring her voice. Bernie nods, while feeling the same resignation seep through her own body.

"Care to tell me where I should tell him to meet us? I’m a bit lost right now.”

"Tell him to meet you at Macclesfield Bridge, that should be the next stop.”

"Ok… just… give me a moment?” and Bernie turns her back towards Serena, takes a side step away from her and puts the number from the card into her mobile. After a quick chat, she puts the phone back into her pocket and turns to Serena again. "He will be around as soon as possible. Might be I have to wait a bit.”

"I’ll wait with you then.” Serena doesn’t look at Bernie, just leans against the railing and lets her gaze sweep along the passing landscape. Bernie steps up to her side and follows her gaze. Moored houseboats and people taking a stroll along the towpath pass them by. It all seems very serene, almost surreal compared to the emotional upheaval she is feeling right now.

They pass by a boat that is probably the most ridiculously decorated one all along the canal. Garden gnomes and figurines are placed on almost every available surface, plastic garlands of flowers are wound up all along the railings, there’s a Union Jack hoisted along a German flag from a small pole on deck and a big plastic fox with a comically stern look on his face and a hat is proudly displayed on the bow.

"That’s… quite something.” Serena laughs.

"Imagine living among all this…clutter?” Bernie grins at her.

"Oh my, that certainly would not be my style. I’m not overly pristine, but I’m also not fond of too much chaos,” Serena says.

"Me neither. I learned to travel lightly.” Bernie turns back towards the boat and eyes the fox once more. "The fox would probably give me a heart attack when I’d come home at night after a long shift. Standing there, all silent and judging.”

"You know… I’ve got foxes in my garden!” Serena looks quite happy about this, but Bernie can only shake her head.

"Foxes? Like, real ones? How come you’ve got foxes in your garden? You do live in the city, don’t you?”

Serena laughs, "I do. I’ve got a house in Kilburn, but thanks to them being quite adaptive, foxes are all over London. At the moment it’s a mum and two cubs. I love watching those two play around in the garden. One evening I was sitting on my bed, it’s right beside a window to the garden, so I am able to use the windowsill as a kind of bedside table for a cup and a book… so I was sitting there, leaning on the sill, reading my book in the last light of the day. The window was partial open and the cubs came out to play, almost brave enough to step on my patio. I started to make this sort of clicking noise to draw them in and they started to investigate where that came from. They were all over the patio, looking into every nook and cranny, but they didn’t realise that I’m kind of perched above them. They got a bit agitated and their mum took notice and came over to the patio, too. The next time I made another clicking noise, her head went up in an instance and she just looked me straight into the eyes. Gave me such an annoyed "Do you think I’m daft, human - of course I’m onto you?” look, that I almost toppled out of the bed laughing.”

Bernie laughs. "Can’t outfox a mum fox.” 

She is standing closer to Serena now, both of them leaning sideways against the railing, facing each other, both obviously comfortable with the other one being nearby.

"Tell me more about painting,” Bernie smiles at Serena. "You said, you’d like to spend more time painting and I don’t think you’ve meant renovating your house?” Serena snorts at that, 

"No, good Lord, I didn’t mean that at all. I’m bad at trying to be a handywoman. I do paint, though. Can’t say I’m exceptionally good at it, but it gives me joy.”

"I bet you are underselling yourself right now.” Bernie looks at Serena, who blushes a bit.

"It’s a hobby. I don’t do galleries or sell online. I just like to immerse myself in colours. I feel free and unburdened when I kind of lose myself on a canvas.”

"So, could you do a quick sketch now? Something to remember this by, when I’m halfway around the globe?” Bernie wiggles her eyebrows at Serena, who sniffs at her.

"Sure. Why not? I mean, leaving aside the fact that I actually don’t have anything to sketch on or even sketch with, quick portraits on a boat are just my cup of tea. I actually spent my days off work at Covent Garden, selling quickly drawn caricatures to the tourists for a tenner, you know.”

Bernie just ignores the obvious distaste Serena shows and laughs at her. "Ok, that’s a no then. No portrait for me.”

"No. No portrait for you.” Serena answers gravely while deliberately trailing her eyes along the towpath. "We don’t have the time for that.”

"Ugh… why not? Even better question: Why weren’t you there in Vienna?” Bernie gives a frustrated huff, takes two steps away from Serena and ends up gripping the railing once more like she wants to break it into pieces.

"I told you why, Bernie,” Serena answers, hesitantly.

"Well, I know, I know why… it’s just… I just… I wish you would have been! Our lives would have been so different.”

"That’s for sure,” comes Serena’s wry answer,” But as difficult as my relationship with Elinor is, I’m glad that she is a part of my life, a part of me. I’d feel awful without her. You probably feel the same about Charlotte and Cameron, don’t you? And maybe… maybe we would have grown sick of each other by now. Maybe we would have hated each other, eventually?”

Bernie huffs once more, can’t seem to be able to completely reign in her sarcasm, but feels less agitated, too.

"You’re right. I wouldn’t want to miss my children. But us hating each other? You’re kidding me, aren’t you? Like we hate each other now?”

Serena follows her across the deck, leans against the railing, cautious to stand near Bernie without touching her.

"Maybe we are only good at brief encounters, walking around European cities?” she offers to diffuse the tension.

"Sorry to disappoint, but I actually don’t care for brief encounters. Never have, never will,” Bernie answers to that, "More of an all or nothing kind of girl, you know.”

Serena throws her a look, probably waiting for her to go on, but Bernie feels like she has already said too much during the last minutes and falls silent again. They just stand there, both of them watching the scenery passing them by.

"I don’t really know what I actually do care for.” Serena finally breaks the silence. "On the one hand I don’t want to be alone, but on the other hand, I feel like I’m not that good at maintaining a long term relationship. Brief encounters can be a relief, you know… It can feel good not to be alone for a while, to feel linked to another person. Although I have to admit that being with someone in the long term sounds, well… ok, terrifying, I’ve got to admit, but also soothing at the same time. To see someone day in and day out, to actually spend time willingly building a life with someone again…” Serena trails off and falls silent.

"You aren’t seeing someone right now?” Bernie asks, holding her breath.

"Not right now, no. I just ended things with someone. Seemed unfair to him not to. He was all for moving forward, for making things more official and I couldn’t see us moving in together, sharing day to day life. Didn’t want him to play a happy family with me, didn’t want him around all the time. Felt like he didn’t belong in my home. Couldn’t picture him taking the rubbish out to the bin in his slippers. So I cut both our loses.” Serena shrugs, clearly not too sad about the end of her latest relationship attempt.

"So… him. Men.” Bernie says, not really posing a question, but Serena answers her anyhow.

"Not necessarily.”

"You date men and women?”

"I date whoever I want to. I don’t really care about gender that much.” Serena looks at her, seems to be a bit nervous about Bernie’s reaction to her statement. Bernie doesn’t dwell on it, because for her there’s nothing Serena has to be sorry or nervous about, but still she wants to reassure her that everything is alright.

"Well, nothing wrong with that. I can’t imagine myself dating a man ever again, but that’s just how it is for me.”

"And are you dating?” Serena doesn’t look at Bernie, instead focuses on the landscape rolling past them.

"You do remember that I’m almost on my way to South East Asia and I might be working there for at least two years? That seems not exactly the right time to be dating someone, even if I was brave enough to give it a try.” Bernie leans back against the railing by Serena’s side and looks at her face sideways, Serena’s expression simultaneously relieved and sad.

"Ah… yes, Asia certainly puts a spanner into the dating opportunities.”

"Truth be told, I’m so bad at dating, it doesn’t really matter. I haven’t been on a date for such a long time, Cameron took pity and installed one of those apps on my phone, said it was for women only and I should give it a try while in Europe. He made me a profile and I felt like a fish out of water. Younger women came on to me… much younger women! Sometimes in a very explicit way and I felt like I didn’t know what I should be doing, how I could handle that.”

Serena laughs and starts to hum the melody of Mrs. Robinson.

"Oh, stop it!” Bernie exclaims bashfully, but starts to laugh, too - even though she feels a bit embarrassed. 

Serena smiles at her. "Shouldn’t it be easier by now? At least you could have had some fun? Not every single sexual encounter has to be the eye opening and ever lasting experience of love one anticipates when young.”

"I told you, I couldn’t!” Bernie feels almost scandalised. "That wouldn’t feel… right. I don’t know how to say this without sounding pathetic, but there has to be more to it than the need to relieve pent up sexual tension.” Bernie stops, her expression grave. It takes her a while to start speaking again. "I’ve got to admit that I feel awfully inexperienced with my wants, my needs,” she confesses, "I’ve put them on hold for so long, I don’t know how to give in to them without making a complete fool out of myself.” Serena just looks at her, her eyes dark and contemplative. "You know…” Bernie lets her head hang a bit, uses her fringe as a kind of barrier, worries a speck of rust on the railing. "I haven’t been touched by anyone for such a long time, I think I might just dissolve into molecules if it actually should happen someday.”

Unbeknown to Bernie, the boat has almost reached their destined stop and resignation and irritation with the bad timing flitter across Serena’s face.

"Well, we are here. We’ve got to go. Come on, Berenice.” Serena gives her a small smile, her hands still holding on to the railing, despite her words. Bernie wants to take them into her own hands, wants to hold them, but doesn’t know how, doesn’t know if Serena would allow her to.

The boat docks and she suddenly realises that not only will they have to get off now, but that she will have to get into that car, too and that she’ll be on her way halfway around the globe in just another few hours. Her unrestricted "Damn it!” earns her another quite sad small smile.

"Let me give you a ride home, ok? I mean, Kilburn isn’t that far from here, is it?” Bernie feels like she is grasping at straws, but she can’t seem to let Serena go.

"You don’t have the time. I’ll take a bus…”

"No, you won’t.” Bernie has already spotted the driver leaning against his car, obviously waiting for her. She starts to approach him, Serena trailing behind her. "It will be alright with him. Just give him your address and we drop you off at your doorstep.”

Serena still looks unsure, fidgets with her pendant once more and eyes the car warily.

"Look,” Bernie tries to persuade her, has to persuade her, because she doesn’t want Serena to go just yet, "My flight isn’t until nine, right? They’ve got me arriving hours early. This way… this way we can talk a bit more, please… don’t take the bus, don’t go.”

At her plea Serena lifts her gaze from the car towards Bernie, her eyes warming towards her. "We’ll ask him. If he thinks it isn’t a problem, you can drop me off at home, thanks.”

Bernie nods enthusiastically at this and almost runs up to the driver, who fortunately doesn’t seem to mind a detour or, at least, doesn’t show if he minds.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some side facts:
> 
> I’ve got to admit - you can’t really hop on and off the Regent’s canal narrowboats (there’s only three stops) and I don’t think you can stand outside unless you are the operator. There has to be a difference between the Seine of the movie and the Regent’s Canal of this story after all. ;)
> 
> The rather overdecorated houseboat on the canal once was for real, even though the fox with a hat (probably) didn’t exist. It was so chock full of knickknack there might even have been a fox figurine around somewhere just by happenstance. The boat belonged to an older and a bit eccentric German guy, who I came to know some years ago while taking a walk along the towpath with friends during FIFA World Cup. His boat almost drowned in flags, which is why we stroke up a conversation. Sadly he has passed away since then and the boat no longer exists, but I still remember him fondly every time I take a walk along the canal. So here’s my tribute to him and his boat!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's come back to Bernie, who still has to catch her flight, but does not want to let go and Serena, who probably can't stand Médecins Sans Frontières right now, even though she holds the organisation's work in high regard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it - the last chapter. The end. *sighs*

The moment they both get into the backseat of the car, Bernie is overwhelmed by their closeness. The car is spacious enough, but still a car and she can feel the warmth radiating off Serena’s body. Their hands lying by their sides are almost touching and it wouldn’t take much to slide their fingers together. So she sits ramrod straight in her seat, clasps her hands together in her lap and deliberately points her gaze outside. She is unaware of the uncertainty that crosses Serena’s face, the searching look that roams Bernie’s face and posture. She does not notice the rise of a hand towards her shoulder and the fall of said hand onto the upholstery of the car before it reaches her body. She does hear the small sigh that accompanies the gesture though and turns around to face Serena again, curious as to what triggered that sound.

"This is better than a bus ride, isn’t it?” she asks.

"Definitely. Thanks again, Bernie,” Serena answers, her smile not quite masking the sadness in her eyes. "Thanks for taking me on the boat, too.”

"You’re very welcome.” Both of them sit in silence for a while, stealing small glances at each other, for a moment at a loss at what to say when it seems clear that their time together is coming to an end.

"You know,” Serena starts up, looking at Bernie with an almost pained expression “I was fine until I saw your face on that newsletter. At least I told myself that I was fine.” Bernie frowns, but doesn’t say a word, wants to give Serena the chance to elaborate. "You know, that thing with the man, with Robbie… made me realise that I don’t romanticise things as much anymore. I still have a lot of dreams, but they are… were… not in regard to my love life. And now… you just fell back into my life, into my hospital and you remind me of how genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things and how… I’m adrift in my own life now, how I don’t feel like this for people anymore. How I never felt so much, so deeply for anyone ever after you. It’s like I put all my romanticism into this one night, which is lunatic because I’m over fifty - good Lord, I should have gotten my act together a long time ago. It’s not that I didn’t love my husband or anyone else I choose to share my life with for a while, but never again have I felt like during that one night in Vienna. It was like I expressed things to you, things I had never before expressed to anyone else and then you took them with you and I couldn’t reconnect with that part of me. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough, but I felt like it would be in vain. It was just one night, like a dream and when I woke up, I had to face reality, regardless of how enticing the dream had been, how it made me long to turn back. Maybe I’m just cold and romantic love just isn’t for me.” Serena turns her gaze to the outside, her mouth thin, her brows scrunched together. 

Bernie notices a tear forming in the corner of Serena’s eyes and wrings her hands together to stop herself from whipping it away. "Serena… I’m sorry…” is all she manages to say. 

"It’s ok, Bernie. It was a long time ago and regardless of what I just said, you aren’t at fault for my emotional shortcomings.” Serena turns back to her, obviously trying hard to pull herself together. 

"Is it really that bad?” Bernie asks in a small voice, her eyes fixed on her fingers, still wringing in her lap. "You know… me being here?”

Serena gives a wet laugh at that and looks fondly at Bernie. Bernie almost reaches out to touch Serena’s hair, but pulls her hand away quickly, before being noticed. "No… it isn’t. Please don’t think it is. I am happy to see you, happy to have been given this chance to spend time with you once more. I don’t know what happened. I guess… I just… I had to let it all out.”

"Don’t worry about it,” Bernie finally manages to look at Serena. "I’m tough. I can take it.”

Serena shakes her head at that. "You shouldn’t have to… even if you were the big macho army medic you are trying to appear to be. I felt miserable for a moment, but that doesn’t give me the right to snap at you.”

Bernie sighs at that. "I do that, too, you know. I feel miserable and strung out and then I snap at people. Problem is that I feel miserable more and more often nowadays and I don’t know how this might end. I managed to break free in some parts of my life, but I still feel kind of trapped, because I can’t get rid of myself, can’t seem to be able to decide on changing directions even now. I always act like I’m detached, like I’m fine with basing all of my life on rational decisions, but sometimes I just feel like I’m dying inside. Outside of work I’m just… numb, barely functional. There’s no pain, no excitement, no permanent joy or laughter. I’m not even bitter, I’m just… ugh.” Bernie brings her hands towards her face and lets her head fall forward, her fringe covering her like a veil. "So, obviously my solution is to throw myself into the next possible job to run to. Because work is the one thing I’m actually able to handle perfectly in my whole life. Besides that, I’m a mess. You should probably stop the car and get as far away from me as possible.” And as if the driver had heard her words, the car stops.

Bernie looks up, feels alarmed, wonders if Serena actually got the driver to stop to heed her words and run. She looks at Serena, but sees only sympathy and sorrow, not exactly emotions in sync with someone who wants to get away from her as fast as possible.

"I’m sorry, Bernie,” she says, ”But this is my stop.” For a moment Bernie can’t comprehend what Serena is saying and looks at her in befuddlement. "My house, Bernie. We are standing in front of my house. I should get out of the car now.”

With a sinking feeling Bernie realises that their journey has finally come to an end. She swallows and nods, trying to keep her mounting despair hidden from Serena’s inquiring eyes.

"So, are you ready? Let’s say goodbye outside, ok?” Bernie just nods once more and they step out of the car and walk a few steps forward, until Bernie rounds the car and they stop in front of each other.

"I want to try something,” Serena says, looks at Bernie with an expression that is a curious mix of fondness, want and guardedness and Bernie feels her heart start to speed.

Serena takes one step towards her and then another. Finally she stands right in front of Bernie, almost touching her and Bernie feels her cheeks burn, feels the urge to run mixed with being rooted to the spot, when Serena gazes into her eyes, starts to slide her hands along Bernie’s shoulders and slowly down her back, pulls their bodies together, engulfs her in a hug.

Bernie stands ramrod straight, her brain no longer able to process everything she feels right now. She once watched fish being fed in a river next to a Buddhist temple and she feels like that right now, everything flopping and pushing to the surface and seething in a kind of choppy frenzy inside her whole body.

"It’s ok.” Serena whispers into her hair, her breath ghosting along Bernie’s neck. "You haven’t dissolved. You’re still in one piece.” And with this Bernie feels herself not exactly melt into the embrace, but at least relax a little. Serena doesn’t let go, holds on to Bernie for some time, her hands tracing soothing circles around her back. "How do you feel?” she finally asks, obviously at least partially aware of the effect she has on Bernie.

"Still in one piece,” Bernie manages to choke out.

"That is good. I like that.” Serena whispers. She lets her go, but brushes her lips against Bernie’s cheek while stepping back. Bernie doesn’t know if it is coincidental or on purpose, misses Serena’s warmth the moment their bodies part.

"I’ll bring you to your door.” Bernie insists, signals the driver to stay put and accompanies Serena the few steps from the street to her doorstep. Serena turns towards her door, fumbles with her purse, takes out a pair of keys, lets them glide through her fingers. Looks at the keys, at her door and finally at Bernie, an unsure smile on her lips and unguarded sadness in her eyes. 

"So this is it,” she says, her gaze becoming once more guarded again. Bernie doesn’t want to see her sad, wants her to smile, to laugh, to look at her like they both don’t have a care in the whole world as long as they are together.

"Let me see one of your paintings,” she blurts out, desperate to hang on to every possible second in Serena’s company. Serena stares at her in disbelief.

"They aren’t that good and you don’t have time! You wouldn’t want to miss your flight just to look at my dilettantish spin on art.”

"I won’t miss my flight. I probably just won’t have time to browse through the newsagents at the airport for about an hour. Please, just a look. I really want to.”

Serena relents and gives her a small nod, opens the front door and steps inside.

Bernie follows her inside the hallway, sees neatly stacked shoes on a rack by the door, coats hung above them. A staircase leads to the upper floor, but Serena has already discarded her coat and shoes and is on her way towards the end of the hallway. Bernie almost topples over in her haste to get out of her coat and shoes. That done, she follows Serena to the back of the house.

The hallway opens up to an airy and sun streaked open floor area. A kitchen takes up the left side, a breakfast bar dividing it from the rest of the room. A comfy looking couch with brilliant coloured throws is placed to the other side, right under a roof lantern that lets the sun stream into the room. There is an easel standing next to it and a battered and paint streaked worn dinner table, half filled with paints, brushes and other things Serena would need to paint. There’s an impressive CD collection and a stereo. Bernie can see the garden through the terrace door by the couch, an abundance of plants and colours and for a moment she feels a bit overwhelmed by being surrounded with Serena’s life, by the place she calls home.

She notices that Serena seems to be a bit insecure about showing all of this to Bernie, too. Serena stands by the side of the kitchen, clearly observing Bernie taking in her private space.

"Would you like a glass of wine?” she asks turning towards a bottle standing by the side of the fridge.

"Yes, please.” Bernie answers, while she finally takes note of the paintings that adorn the walls: Brightly coloured canvases, showing landscapes and people in a kind of careless strokes, that are anything but, Bernie guesses. They look passionate, bold, but also seem to carry a sense of depth right under their surface. Art not being her forte, Bernie still falls in love with them instantly. Wouldn’t mind looking at them every day, let them colour her life a bit.

She turns around in an attempt to fully take in the room and notices that there is another part to it. She steps into a kind of reading nook, big enough for a comfortable worn looking armchair with a footrest, another comfy looking throw placed upon it. There are shelves full of books and a small table beside the chair holds a book and a pair of reading glasses.

On the wall in front of the chair there is another one of Serena’s paintings. It seems to be older than the others, the paint dulled by age, the style not so accomplished yet. Still it is prominently hung, clearly to be looked at by whoever occupies the armchair. Kind of private, but accessible during day to day life. Bernie notices all these little details, while her brain tries to catch up with the fact that this painting is quite clearly a painting of her. She looks young, happy and carefree, her long blonde hair windblown, her smile wide.

Serena steps at her side and hands her a glass of wine. They don’t talk, just stay there, side by side, shoulders almost touching, while they sip their wine, both of them looking at the painting, both lost in thought.

"I want to model for you.” Bernie says, almost too low to hear, but with determination in her voice.

"I only do nudes these days, dear.” Serena looks at her sideways and winks at her, while touching her lips to the wineglass.

"Well, get your brushes and a clean canvas, but don’t be too disappointed, because I’m certainly not as young looking as that anymore” and with a small nod towards the painting, Bernie turns around, deliberately walks to the couch and places her wine glass on the side table.

She can almost bodily feel Serena’s eyes following her every move, imagines an eyebrow raised at the sudden courage that seems to have blossomed in Bernie. She turns back to Serena to see her select a canvas from a stack under the table, propping it up on the easel. They share a look of deep understanding, no words needed right now and then Serena puts her wine to the side, starts to select paints, opens one of the glasses with turpentine and picks up a brush and palette.

Bernie just takes in every single one of her moves, dwells in the happiness Serena seems to radiate right now, hears Serena hum softly under her breath.

Finally Serena looks at her again, lets an appreciative gaze glide over Bernie’s slender frame, her eyes dark and promising and right at this moment Bernie isn’t nervous anymore, doesn’t question the decision she probably already made when she stepped out of UCH and took a step towards Serena. Her hands slowly start to unbutton her shirt, while her eyes are on Serena.

"You will miss your flight,” Serena says calmly. There’s no question involved, it is just an observation, a fact both of them are aware of. Bernie opens the final button, lets her shirt glide to the floor and gives Serena a content smile.

"I know…”

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my… so… this is it. It’s been a journey. I’m still a bit baffled that I had the guts to try and pull this off. Dialogue. So much dialogue. So many emotions.
> 
> Thanks again @fortytworedvines for excellent betaing skills!!
> 
> Thanks to all of you who gave kudos and commented. You made me smile and take pride in my work and I’m very grateful for your kind words.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [you and your paint splattered dungarees](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22409575) by [Bat_and_Breakfast](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bat_and_Breakfast/pseuds/Bat_and_Breakfast)




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